Grief : a palace for awakening

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Everyone, and thank you to Howard for being our techno. And Douglas is back in the house after some vacation, helping us in so many ways, including being a doan. For those of you who don't know, Douglas is our Tonto sort of head of practice and was on vacation for a little while. And some of you I haven't seen for a little while. Welcome Marjenas and Avi and Patrick is new with us today. So congratulations on sitting here, first rate of sazen with us with little orientation. So feel free to move about as everyone needs to be comfortable. And great to see our cloudlings as well. You know, it's so great to see us all come together in one practice body sitting in meditation on this kind of nice crisp fall morning where Apple Fest is happening in Lincoln Square. So I hope you could find your way here through that situation. And I just would just want to let people know that our Eno Jerry is under the weather and our friend Tom Hurley also is struggling with some physical difficulties and Jake is on the mend, hopefully after surgery. And so we miss everyone. We wish everyone well. So, October, you may have noticed there's a new or a seasonal scroll by the altar. And this is tsajiki month at Ancient Dragon. It is the month of Tzujiki, means offering food. But it is a traditional ceremony, Buddhist ceremony, with a couple of aspects. One is where we offer food and nourishment at the end of the month to the hungry ghosts. Sometimes these are called pretas or gaki, but these are hungry, starving, agitated, tormented spirits, often or outside of our everyday awareness. And if you don't believe in hungry ghosts, just sit some zazen. In zazen we meet our own unsettledness, our own unsettled spirit, starving for attention and care at times, sometimes unable to take the abundance that might be offered. It's interesting. This holiday occurs at a harvest time, right? But internally, you know, we can feel blocked from connection by shame or other wounds. Yes, indeed, bodhisattvas, we meet our pettiness and unsatiable tendencies in zazen. So shikantaza, or this just sitting, this meeting, everything. So of course it includes habit tendencies, self obsession, torment, unconscious pain and trauma. It's not the whole thing. Hopefully there's great joy or why would we practice this? But we have to meet everything. And there's sort of the dynamics or thermodynamics of Saen is that awakening engenders this opening to all of it and letting go of seeking for more or less. And through this calm, caring, attentiveness attentionality, we're liberate it. So this is one side or one aspect of the Sajiki ceremony that will celebrate the end of the month. This welcoming and attending to the unsettled, insatiable, sometimes terrifying spirit beings in ourselves internally, but also externally in this world. Just to say a little about the ceremony, we ritually employ some musical noise and set out treats to call in or invite the hungry ghosts into our temple. And once we've got them here, we chant some ancient songs, mantras for their well being and hope to hope for their release from suffering. So bring a noisemaker and or a treat. I've heard that hungry ghosts sometimes are not really fond of high class French cuisine. Little like, you know, Halloween candy or what is known as junk food might be offered. But we could sneak in some good things too. This Tsujiki ceremony is profoundly compassionate. Now we're hosting the unseen, the unacknowledged and the marginalized. They're our guests. The second part of Sajiki is the way we celebrate it. Here is a remembrance of the deceased. So we also remember and honor the departed, especially people, loved ones who have recently died. And we remember them through reading a list of their names in the ceremony and offering our chanting and making offerings for their benefit. So everyone's invited to send names of your ancestors, family members, friends, especially those who've died in the past year. And our Eno Jerry, or you can give them to her or send the names to our infoantientdragon.org through our website, through your remembrance of Our email address, infoantientdragon.org how many times we've all said that Everything comes from info ancientdragon.org so this Sajiki, this offering of food, is a ritual of grief and gratitude. You know, it's a good time, if you haven't done this already, to maybe set up a little ancestor altar at home. You can put pictures of deceased loved ones, teachers, mentors, family and friends. Could even include people you don't like if you wanted. But this, you know, bringing into our home the unseen or what we think of as those who are gone is part of this all inclusive practice. I'll always remember and be grateful to Tigan for, for this teaching. One time long ago in a zendo far away, Teigen was living in California and we were meeting here in Chicago. And every week or so we'd have a phone call and report on what's happening in the Lincoln Square, or not in Lincoln Square, it's just a sendo, it was called Chicago Meditation Group or something before we were even called Ancient Dragon. And I'd say there were six people and one new person. And then he said, well, what about the beings, the other beings in the room? Thank you very much, Tigan. So we expand our ability to include everything and everyone and all beings. So when we have an altar at home with pictures of deceased loved ones, you know, know, we can offer them a cup of water, little drink, a kind word, a piece of fruit, a flower, incense, little verse of poetry, you know, but this, this connects us deeply with what is maybe unseen, can be very creative with these things or very simple. But it is a way to bring our awareness to this wider reality with gratitude. And it is a ritual that assists us in, let's say, a process of coping with apparent loss. So during this month of October, on Monday nights we'll be practicing the chants, the Gate of Sweet Dew, the Daih Shin Dharani, some other things to get ready for Sunday, October 25, after 9:30 zazen, when Sajiki will be celebrated. We'll even have a day long meditation retreat, a sashin, the Saturday before so we can prepare our hearts and minds and this temple space for Sajiki. You know, I think pretty much everyone who has had any interest or even just googled Zen pretty quickly finds out that impermanence is a great truth of Buddhism. And the impact, the contact with impermanence leads many to the cushion to Zen practice. And impermanence is closest and most acutely present during times of personal and social loss, you know, and upheaval. Things are not going the way we thought they were because everything changes. For instance, like I thought the coral reefs of my childhood would be here forever and I'm continuing the loss of that beautiful ecosystem. But in many ways, Zazen itself is a grief ritual, a place of sorrow and acceptance. This arises, you know, when the truth of impermanence sinks into our flesh and blood, into our bodies, into our hearts. And in Zazen, you know, we see the delusion that underlies this cherished, isolated, limited self and our ideas about everything that we want to grasp onto. When we let go of delusion and grasping this realizes awakening, you know, the pain of loss. Trust transforms into compassion and deep caring. It actually connects us with everyone and everything. You know, leaves and flowers fall, even if we want to hold on to them. Weeds grow. I noticed this in the garden this morning when I was gathering some floral decorations for the altar. And most all the flowers were withered and things were turning brown and there were Still a lot of weeds taken over the whole garden. And in the spring, as you'll remember, it was so beautiful with flowers. And we were like, ah, this is great. And now it's also pretty great, but a different kind, you know, ordinary human life. Our world is characterized in Buddhism often as birth and death. It's like a term for our existence, birth and death, or birth and loss. You know, the moment we're born, loss arrives from the nurturance and safety of the womb. Out we pop and the world changes. So we have to grow up. As children mature, you know, they lose this experience that they're the center of the universe and slowly develop moral reasoning capacities, you know, realizing that there's something larger as we grow up, Parents disappoint us, teachers disappoint us, you know, the world disappoints us. Think about adolescence. The body changes uncontrollably. We kind of go crazy at that time. Our whole world is shaken up and our identities are reformed once again. Fast forward. Believe it or not, there comes aging even worse. People we love die, beloved animal companions die. So all change in growth has this like loss cycle to it. Loss of cherished ideas, of ideals, sometimes loss of innocence, loss of identity, loss of physical strength and the beauty of youth. This loss must be grieved. And then it's incorporated, like in the corpus, the body, and integrate it. And if it's not, if it's resisted, we can really become hungry ghosts seeking. Seeking something that we can't ever attain. But there's good news. I don't want to bum everyone out with loss. But Uchiyama Roshi, I think, said something like, gaining is delusion, losing is enlightenment. You'll remember one of his students, Esho Morimoto, Reverend Esho was here and she entitled her talk, this is a good day to lose what she was meaning, like it's a good day to lose. Holding on to a fixed self, holding on to our ideas and imposing them on others. Grieving the loss of these cherished, precious, precious self, you know, and dualistic ideas. This occurs, must occur actually for us to realize wholeness and live from that connectedness, not stuck in craving and isolation. So grieving matures us. They mature. Our Bodhisattva vows this process to awaken for the benefit of all beings, seen and unseen, known and unknown, liked and disliked. So the thought arose this morning as I was thinking about this talk, that grieving, this deep, piercing sorrow of loss, is a palace for awakening. This palace of grief allows us to let go of the Fantasy of impermanence and fixed identity. And it allows us, then we can leap into the ambiguous. Ambiguous, let's say ambiguity, where we hold on to nothing. So that's a little. Little thought to get us going. But I would like to start to introduce the first part of the Sajiki ceremony. And somewhere in your chant books, maybe it says gate of Sweet Dew someplace in here. Or Chiromon. Is it in here? Maybe it's not. I guess not. I don't see it. Could that be true? Oh, wait, it is. Page 29. Thanks. Page 29. So you see this offering of invitation to the three treasures. So it starts kind of somewhat normally, I guess. Familiar. Start. Homage to the Buddhas in the ten directions. Homage to the Dharma in the ten directions. Homage to the Sangha in ten directions. Homage to our original teacher, Shakyamuni Buddha. Homage to the great merciful, compassionate, reliever of suffering, contemplating the world's cries. Kanzayon Bodhisattva. Homage to the expounder of the teachings, the Arhat, Ananda. So this homage to the Buddhas in the ten directions, of course, is, you know, praise to the awakened nature in all of us and to the great teaching of reality. Homage to the Dharma throughout space and time, throughout all directions. Thank you, Howard, for screen sharing and homage to the Sangha, to our community of practitioners, but also to this great community beyond, this community seen and unseen. And then, as we often pay homage to our great teacher, Shakyamuni Buddha, then we kind of move into this realm of the great Bodhisattva of Compassion, Avalokite Shara. And then we have the Arhat, the disciple of Buddha named Ananda. I was like, I'm reading over this ceremony, preparing for it, and I'm like, wait a minute. What's Ananda doing here? Usually not in the. In our regular homage list. What's he doing here at this great ceremony? And so I was like, oh, wait a minute. I think I remember a story. So I'll tell you this story. So most everyone knows, and if you don't, that's fine. But Ananda was a disciple of Buddha, Buddha's attendant, you know, like, cared for Buddha day and night. And also, Ananda was very famous for having an amazing memory and remembered all of Buddha's talks. And he, I think, attended Buddha for the last 25 years of Buddha's life. So he's kind of this beloved, kind figure. But it turns out that one of the origin stories of Tsujiki, there are more than one. But in our way, let's say in our Zen way, probably the closest one to us is from this old Chinese sutra, no, the sutra on the Dharani and divine mantra for saving the flaming faced hungry ghosts. And just sidebar here, one of the translations of the sutra was done by Shik Sananda, who many of you may re know is the translator of the longer version of the Avatamsaka Sutra, as well as other things Ran kind of a translation group in the, you know, what, seventh century. So most, most people are. Haven't really studied this sutra for saving the flaming faced hungry ghosts, but here's the story and it relates to the origin of this Sajiki, feeding the ghost. So Ananda, like following general instructions for meditation, was meditating in a forest alone. That was sort of the common practice among Buddha's disciples. Go to a forest, sit by yourself. And during the meditation session was interrupted by a ghost king, a hungry ghost king named Burning Mouth or Flaming Mouth. So Flaming Mouth was not in good shape. Okay. These hungry ghosts, you know, they're withered, they're. They haven't bathed in centuries. You know, their hair is disheveled, their throat is. Is supposed to be thin as a needle. Can't get anything down a belly. Swollen, some say swollen like a mountain. You know, starving, tormented. And Flaming Mouth had flames blazing from the mouth, probably consuming any nourishment before it ever got into that craw. But Flaming Mouth actually had. Was performing a generous act, coming to Ananda to say, ananda, you know, you're soon gonna wind up as a hungry ghost. To apparently, our beloved Ananda had some history of greed and stinginess. Stinginess, by the way, was a characteristic that, that, let's say, guaranteed one's fate to end up as a hungry ghost. I think that's interesting. But Flaming Mouth, Flaming Lips, was that a band? Flaming Mouth. Said, you know, the way out of this is to make offerings and provide a huge meal for all the beings in the hungry ghost realm and then also make these offerings to the triple treasure, the three jewels of Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. You see how we start out with homage to Buddhadharma and Sangha, and that Ananda's in our invocation at the very beginning of Sajiki. So I think Ananda was kind of worried, okay. And there was some time pressure here and didn't. He didn't know what to do, right? So he asked Buddha for help. And miraculously, Buddha knew exactly what to do because it turns out prior to Buddha's awakening in some, let's say, former life, I'll call It the Pre Buddha. The Pre Buddha was given some instructions on how to help hungry ghosts and provide this nourishment. So Kanzaian or Avalokiteshvara, another depiction of that is right above me. This being that knows how to help offered this Pre Buddha some instruction which the Buddha remembered actually, on how to speak, let's say, some spells or mantra or Dharani and how to transform ordinary food into nourishment for hungry ghosts. It's kind of what we do in Zazen. So according to the instructions, Ananda dedicated a huge feast and made offerings to buddhadharman Sangha, alleviated suffering of hungry ghosts, and apparently averted this fate of becoming one. So in the ceremony, we pay homage to Avalokiteshvara, the great compassionate reliever of suffering, who taught this skillful means to Buddha and then to Buddha, who conveyed this ceremony to Ananda. And here we are. So these rituals, which are pretty rare here in American Zen, have these ancient roots, and they're rooted in compassion. Imagine that gaki, this hungry ghost coming to flaming mouth, coming to Ananda and revealing himself in all of his shame, perhaps, and torment, and offering this gift to Ananda to perform this ceremony. And part of our ceremony is also some treats. And I'm sure Artenzo Wade is already coordinating Sajiki treats. And see Wade, if you want to make an offering, we construct an altar and put all these treats around it during our ceremony, and then we eat them. But, you know, despite Ananda's wonderful life and close connection with the Buddha, Ananda grieved when Shakyamuni Buddha died. We call this Shakyamuni's death entering Nirvana, but his physical body died. And, you know, traditionally in Zen temples, there's another special scroll that's hung up that depicts Buddha's death. And this is one of my favorite scrolls. And not because I'm morbid, but because this scroll portrays a touching, beautiful scene. It's often kind of golden. Shakyamuni Buddha is kind of reclining on a bed of sorts between trees in nature, in a beautiful clearing. Flowers are falling on him, and all around him are his disciples and other beings bearing witness to this death. Even animals, elephants, deer, and birds. They look like ducks or goose or geese or something. They're shedding tears. And the bodies of his disciples are twisted in sorrow, lamentation, and grief. These disciples are distraught. The celestial beings and even the fiercest of dharma protectors are shown like racked with sorrows. And this is a really beautiful scene, you know, this bearing witness to this reality. And I want to thank David Ray for bringing to my attention an excerpt from a book by Roshi Joan Halifax, who does a lot of work with the dying and has. And Roshi Joan comments on the opening of Dogen's wonderful genjo koan, which has been floating through our sangha now and will continue to fragrance our study together for some time. And Roshi Jones seems to be saying that the opening lines of this genjo koan, when all things are Buddha, Dharma, there is delusion, realization, practice, birth, and death. She talks about these opening lines as kind of this exploration of the nature of reality, moving from distinctions of delusion and realization to this boundless emptiness that we all talk about. And she sees this teaching of Dogen as acknowledging the human reality of grief and attachment. You know, those three lines are followed by the line, where blossoms fall, even though we love them, weeds spread. So she says, grief is not a flaw. And I'll just read this passage, she says. Roshi Jones says, I have stood at the bedside of dying people for half a century. I can tell you that many of them and many of those who love them arrived at the threshold carrying a terrible secret conviction that their grief was a spiritual failure. They've read that everything is impermanent, that attachment is the root of suffering. We've all read this, too. And these people at the threshold and accompanying those at the threshold have concluded that if they were just better practitioners, then they would not be breaking apart. And Roshi Jones says, I've watched a whole body soften when someone finally hears that. The tradition's deepest text says otherwise. In attachment, blossoms fall. The falling and the loving are one event. Grief is not the opposite of realization. Grief, she says, is what realization feels like when what we love is leaving. You know, at his death, Buddha did not promise to return. He didn't offer false hope. He didn't offer, you know, don't feel so bad. I'm coming back. He was like, I'm dying. My time's up. You know, I spent 80 years, most of it, teaching all of you. I've given everything. I've taught you everything and held nothing back. You have the teaching now. Make it your own. So this is what I encourage you to do. Make it your own. Make your grief your own. Don't leave anything out, and don't think that your grief is a problem or a flaw. So I want to thank you all very much for being together and listening, and so make it your own. Do you have any questions or reflections to offer today about such. Such things in your life? In this world, I. [00:30:40] Speaker B: Good morning. [00:30:41] Speaker A: Good morning. [00:30:43] Speaker B: Thank you for that wonderful talk. So provocative. So like, you know, where I'm at lately. And I, I have, oh, I have so many thoughts about it. But my wife, I was reflecting on as you were ending your talk was how grief is related for me very much to realization and related to gratitude because it's an expression of how much I care, you know, and then that whole balance of to care and not to care, to be compassionate, to not cling, you know, and you started with the unseen world. And, and I've, you know, last night in particular, I was, I meditated for a long time and I was just in the unseen world, you know, and these just, I was seeing all these people, you know, and, and this connection to the boundless, and I just was opening to it and accepting it and curious about it and it was, it was beautiful and just letting go of all the things, the identities, the feelings, the loss, the constant change, the quicksand of blinging, the quicksand of knowing, the quicksand of certainty and, and you know, the, the doors of the palace of grief are wide open for me. And, but with grief, again, there's this sense of alchemy, you know, and just the thinking about the hungry ghosts of Instagram and Facebook and you know, not being enough of comparing, of self judgment. All of you know, that just feeds it. So, yeah, it was a lot to think about. So thank you so much. [00:32:31] Speaker A: Thank you very much, Nicholas. You said just about everything that needed to be said in much shorter periods than I did. So I want to thank you and thank you for inspiring us in our practice with your open, far ranging practice. [00:32:50] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:32:50] Speaker C: John Howard Bodhisattva, thank you for this talk. I was not expecting Ananda to be in it. I love Ananda so much. You know, there's so many different versions of the reaction to the Buddha's death. And the version that's always resonated with me is as a, I don't know, more of a Zen person than any kind of Theravada person. So this might be heretical. Now. There are some versions where it's like, Ananda, why are you reacting so much? Why are you so loud? Oh, it's because you're not enlightened yet. You're not yet. You haven't achieved it yet. Because Ananda notably does not achieve enlightenment until after the Buddha's death. The one, the only one in the closest circle who doesn't until after. But I find that really touching because there's a sense in which, like, oh, yeah, this guy who hasn't gotten enlightenment yet grieves so de. Deeply in love. So deeply in a way that these, like, sort of almost like caricatured and very enlightened figures and archetypes, quote unquote. Don't. That's just a caricature sort of in this version. But I find it really touching because I relate to Ananda a lot in that sense. And as you were talking and as I'm thinking about Ananda, I'm like, yeah, Zazan's an opening. So Zazen is just, like, coming, like, here over and over again, just like, opening, opening, opening, and like seeing yourself resisting the opening over and over and over again. I had this moment this morning. I have a senior cat. This is my first senior cat, and I love her so much. And she is experiencing old age and illness, and she had surgery last week. And so, you know, she's all around, you know, not feeling well and, you know, taking drugs because she has to for pain. And she got a weird haircut, you know, wearing an Elizabethan collar, you know, with a. That looks like a flower. And it really wasn't until this morning, after a week of realizing, like, oh, I really closed myself off to feeling anything about this because I'm, like, feeding her her treats and her medicine this morning, and I. It's like, oh, this tender little creature that I love so much. I've closed it off because it's too painful to let illness and old age touch me. So I just really appreciate the talk and the reminder. [00:35:14] Speaker A: Is that Xochi? [00:35:16] Speaker C: Xochi, Yeah. I think her name's in the memorial service. [00:35:20] Speaker A: Yeah, it's on the memorial well being service. Yeah, it looks almost like a Mayan name or something. [00:35:26] Speaker C: It is an Aztec name. [00:35:27] Speaker A: Ah, Aztec. Okay. There's a lot of hearts here. This is like, this is our sangha, right? So beautiful and caring for each other, you know. And thank you, Howard. You know, I hadn't. I hadn't remembered that story of Ananda being the last one to the party of awakening. But then the grief eventually brought him to that. But I will say that in the pictures, all the arhats are also quite torn up. So I like. That's why I think I like that scroll so much. But, you know, maybe it was too hard for the Buddha to see Ananda grieving so much because Buddha loved him so much like a parent. It's not that bad when your turtle or your beloved animal companion dies and you're like, yes, it Is. Yes, it is. It is. And of course, you know, Zazen helps us notice where we hold back and where we hold on. You know, holding on to grief is a way of not grieving, of resisting reality. But also there is no formula, you know, be aware of that. There is no right way to grieve or we don't grieve so we can get rid of it. You know, we're just open to what is and all patient and generous and allowing everything to take its own time, as it will anyway, despite what we want. [00:37:06] Speaker D: Yes. [00:37:06] Speaker A: Great. [00:37:07] Speaker E: God, I'm so happy to hear. [00:37:09] Speaker A: And grateful happiness. Yes. [00:37:12] Speaker E: There is a poem that I wrote a long time ago when I was going through my sadness of being. I'm sorry about this. I'll read the poem if I can remember exactly. Okay. I was experiencing this sadness of experiencing being HIV positive. That was the 90s, early 90s. And I sat in this beautiful garden and I sat there experiencing this sadness fully, completely, without pushing it away. And this poem came to my mind that said in the midst of my own sadness, I discovered my own joy. It was because I was experiencing the sadness so fully. That was sort of like the bridge to get to the joy. But today I came for a selfish reason. I'm giving a lot of talk at a bar. It's a very well known bar here in Chicago called Sidetrack. [00:38:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:38:25] Speaker E: And I've been wanting to take myself out. And bring the beauty of this experience and the most unlikely place, which is a bar. So I wanna. I was asking to take myself out that I would be able to be just an instrument to bring that taste of what I learned here and the many times that I've been here. So grateful and for you guys to have this here constantly that I can come. My experience is a blessing. So I thank you all. I thank you for your talk. [00:39:21] Speaker A: Thank you. I was joyous when I saw you, you know, their hearts floating on the screen as well. But I think there's open heartedness in our feeling and you know, grief and gratitude and your experience of feeling grief fully as a gateway to opening and kindness is just a beautiful thing to share with us. No, it's so. Thank you for being part of this community. [00:39:57] Speaker F: Thank you for your talk, Hougetsu. I'm grateful for it. [00:40:00] Speaker A: Good to see you. [00:40:00] Speaker F: Good to see you. It's good to be here. I was not able to sit for many months over the last few years because of various griefs that I have experienced. I would just sit and I would cry or have panic attacks. When I sat and it became physically unbearable to me, and I had to go through the process of grieving all of those things. So I'm grateful to your talk. It spoke directly to something that I've experienced. And in the process of you giving that talk, I was reminded about a dream that Dogen had shared with his Sangha about Avalokiteshvara. He dreamt that Avalokiteshwara or Kanzeon, laughed and then burst into a thousand. His thousand eyes burst into a thousand rice cakes and scattered over a market. And I never understood the meaning of that before, but I wonder if it has any relationship to do with hungry ghosts and the compassion that Apal Kiteswara had for them. Thank you. [00:41:05] Speaker A: What a beautiful comment. Thank you very much. And thank you for raising up something that zazen isn't the cure for grief or the gateway to everyone's liberation. I hate to say, but it is also true that sometimes we can't sit, and that's okay. You find what you need for yourself and to trust that you know. And then when you're ready, you sit again and you come to the zendo and you offer this beautiful comment about rice cakes. I only remember the punching the sky, maybe in rice cakes coming down. Tigen maybe knows more about this. Do you have anything to say about it, Tigan? [00:41:50] Speaker G: He kind of just that that was a Shakyamuni Buddha who punched out the sky and the clouds turned into rice cakes. And, you know, Anyway. Yeah, yeah. But also I just want to say that grief is a way of expressing, you know, gratitude and remembrance and wonderment at each person. We grieve and connecting with them and keeping them alive. [00:42:18] Speaker A: Yes, that's right. Thank you, Tigan. And it's also the wonder that we can construct all these ideas of ourself and how we should be and how everybody else should be. And then we can grieve those. You know, it's an endless wonder, all the stories that we can tell, like the story of Ananda and all the stories, but they're all precious. And then they all fade, just like blossoms falling on the seat of Buddhist Parinirvana. Well, as usual, we've gone on and on, and I want to thank everyone here for being together and supporting each other, encouraging each other to meet reality and all experience as the palace of Awakening. May our intention equally extend to every being and place with the true merit of Buddha's way. Beings are numberless, without [00:43:36] Speaker D: illusions, are inexhaustible. Each vow to go through them. [00:43:44] Speaker A: Our bodies are groundless. [00:43:48] Speaker D: We vow to enter them grass ways unsurpassable. [00:44:24] Speaker C: With us. [00:44:25] Speaker D: Ways unsurpassable be allowed to realize it. Things are numberless we allow to free them. Delusions are inexhaustible we vow to cut through them. We went to them the way possible we have to realize. [00:45:04] Speaker A: So this was normally announcement time, and Tucker said in.