Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: For more information on Ancient Dragon Zen Gate, please visit our website at www.ancientdragon.org. our teachings are offered to the community through the generosity of our supporters. To make a donation online, please visit our website.
I want to thank Ogetsu and my teacher Aishin and everyone for coming to hear his talk.
And this is going to be an interactive talk with audience participation.
So I want you to follow along and position your posture as I walk us through how to sit Zazen. But first, we want to take a minute to pause before sitting Zazen and bring our awareness to what it is we are about to do. We don't just rush over and plop down on a cushion, so we find a clean, quiet space in your dwelling place or wherever you can face the wall, and you place a thick mat down and put a cushion on it.
We wear loose clothing so as not to restrict our whims in any way.
And you want to sit on a cushion so that your buttocks can be elevated a little bit above your knees.
You will see it's more comfortable to have your buttocks lifted slightly rather than to sit flat on the floor.
The first thing we want to do is form a sitting base, so there's a lot of ways to do that depending on what your body can do.
You can do a full lotus, which when I was young I could do. I can't do that anymore. But you put your right foot over your left thigh and if you're able to do this, let's start to do it. Or your left foot over your right thigh.
Your knees should be aligned with each other so they're even and your abdomen relaxed and slightly pushed forward.
If you can't do that, there's a half lotus position where you put your left foot over your right thigh and your right foot under the left thigh. With both knees touching the mat, you actually want the other leg just in front of you. You don't want to put your knee, your feet under your knees. You want your knees to be even with the mat.
If those are too difficult and you're not flexible enough, you can sit in Burmese posture, which is you cross your legs unfolded in front of you with both feet touching the mat, which is what I'm doing so people can see.
But you want your knees touching the mat, and if you're not flexible enough, like I'm not, to get your knees down to the mat, take a little support cushion and put it under your knees.
It's important that your knees touch the mat to give yourself a three point base to sit on.
So you have your sitting bones and your two knees.
It gives you strength in sitting.
If these don't work, you can sit like Sandra is, in Seiza style, with the knees aligned with one another on the mat and folding your lower legs under your thighs. And then you can place a husk cushion or a cushion between the heels and your buttocks to relieve the pressure.
Or you could use a bench, a padded or unpadded bench with your lower legs tucked under the bench and your buttocks resting on top of the ben.
You could also sit in a chair, in which case you want to place your sitting bones in the middle of the chair. So you're sitting forward in the chair and you don't have your back leaning against the back of the chair.
If you sit in a chair, you might want to put a flat cushion under your buttocks to add a little height so that your buttocks is above your knees.
Then you place your legs hip width apart and your feet flat on the floor.
Next, you want to sit up straight in the center of the tripod base you've established. So let's all sit up straight in front of that tripod base. Wiggle around a little. Find your sitting bones.
Make sure you're not leaning, listing one way or the other.
And you're not too forward or too backward, but right in the center of your base.
You want to push your abdomen out slightly to relieve the pressure on the back.
So does everyone have their base established?
Okay, so now what are we going to do with our arms and our elbows and our hands?
Take your right hand and place it in your lap, close to your belly, with the palm up.
Take your left hand and put it right on top of your right palm.
And then you sort of want to separate your hands so your fingers around your palm.
That gives you room to put your thumbs together.
So you're sitting like this, and you're forming a little circle between your fingers and your thumbs.
And you want to tuck that up right against your belly.
Your thumbs are not quite touching. You kind of want to be able to slip one sheet of paper between your thumbs, forming a small circle.
Hold your elbows slightly away from your body so that they're not cramped against your body and there's room for air to circulate under your armpits and around your body.
So now what are we going to do with our torsos and our upper body?
You want to align your ears, your shoulders, and your hips.
So align your torso with your ears, shoulders, and hips in the same line.
You Want to be a little bit forward and you want to light your nose with your navel.
Tuck in your chin and imagine there's a string on the crown of your head reaching towards the ceiling so as to strengthen the nape of your neck.
Take a moment to find your sitting bones and stability of that tripod base we formed earlier.
So now what do we do with our mouth, our tongue, our teeth and our eyes?
Close your mouth and your teeth and place the tongue on the roof of your mouth.
Lower your gaze and look about 5ft in front of you or maybe at the bottom of the wall. If you're facing the wall, try to bring your eyes out of focus, but keep them open and breathe softly through your nose.
You might want to take a few breaths here just to settle into the position.
You can count as a 1, 2 breath count in and out, or just count one breath in and out. But do that a few times again just to steady yourself and settle into the position.
It helps when you're sitting to give yourself a time limit when you sit.
So you can sit 10 or 15 minutes if you're new and build up slowly to 30 or 35 minutes or whatever amount of time you think is easy for you to do.
Maybe set a time on your phone and put it behind you or an alarm somewhere behind you so you don't see it. So you can't always interrupt your sitting to look at the time on the phone.
Then just sit quietly for the time you have allotted.
When the bell rings or your alarm goes off, move slowly. Don't just jump up, don't rush and dash off to the next thing. Take your time.
If your legs have fallen asleep or they hurt, take a minute and massage them and allow your feeling to come back. Before you go standing up, you may want to bow to your mat and sitting area. In gratitude for their support in Zazen instruction, we take our time in learning how to place various parts of our bodies. Where to put our buttocks and legs, where to put our arms, elbows, hands and fingers.
How to position our torso and head, what to do with our mouth, tongue, teeth and eyes.
Zazen is about our posture.
We position ourselves comfortably in a position that allows us to sit in stillness without moving the body.
We want to be aware of where the body is because that is where the mind is.
We focus and still the body. By collapsing the amount of space we take up and pulling our legs and arms closer to our torso, we still and focus the mind.
The body and mind are one entity, not two.
Taking the right posture is Critical.
This is why we study and repeat the instructions for forming the right posture. It's why we chant Fuka Zazengi or the universally recommended instructions for Zazam to remind ourselves of how to position our bodies for zazen.
If you find yourself lost in your zazen or unable to settle, double check your posture. Go through the steps of forming the tripod base.
Placing your elbows, arms and hands in the right position, Aligning your torso properly and correctly placing your mouth, tongue, teeth and breathe through your nose.
Remember to tuck your head and keep your eyes slightly out of focus.
Positioning your body correctly will help your concentration.
But we also have to know our limitations, know our own edges.
We don't want to be too rigid.
I'm left handed, so for me to put my right hand first and my left hand on top of it, it's not as comfortable as if I do it the other way around and I start with my left hand on the bottom.
This came up recently in a discussion we had in maybe it was a Monday night conversation.
And when I realized I was doing that, I said, well, let me just try what the instructions actually say and to put my right hand down first and my left hand on top of it.
And what I noticed is it made me more aware of where my body was positioned.
And that's an important thing to know. It's an important thing to know when we're sitting zazen and when we're just walking around in our daily life. Sitting, walking, standing, whatever we're doing. Because where your body is, that's where your mind is.
Zazan is a physical practice. We want to know where our bodies are, we want to know where our limbs are, and then we want to move in to our bodies.
I had a yoga teacher once who said, we're giving these wonderful bodies, these wonderful houses to live in, and we take all our belongings, take all our dishes and linens and furniture and everything, and we move it all up into the attic.
She said, we want to move out, we want to go into the whole house, live in your elbows, in your arms, in your hands, in your feet, in your legs.
Inhabit all the space you've been given.
And this is part of the practice of zazen. This is why we pay so much attention to the position and the posture.
This is why we repeat the instructions to ourself over and over again when we chant, when we have instructions so that we know how to sit properly, so we can find out where our legs are, where our arms are, and then we can find where our mind is. Because it's where our body is. It's one and the same thing.
There's a lot written about Zazen, but the best commentary on Zazen that I know of is found in a chant composed by Haku and Akegu.
This isn't a chant that we do here at Ancient Dragon because it's a Rinzai chant more than a Soto chant. But Hougetsu was kind enough to say we could do it today.
So I'm going to pass out copies of this chant.
And hakawin lived from 1685 to 1768.
So he was alive in the period of enlightenment in the Western world and at the time of the American and French revolutions were going on and causing trouble.
He is credited with reviving the Koan tradition in Zen Buddhism and promoting the Rinzai tradition.
It's a really lovely chant and I think it does a good job in describing the joys of Zazen practice.
So we'll pass these out.
Pass them over. I have plenty of copies.
This translation is by Robert Aiken. Robert Akin was. He lived from 1917 to 2010. He just died in August of 2010 and he found that the Honolulu Dhamma sutra Zendo in 1959.
He's in the Harada Yasutani lineages, which is the same lineage of Chicago Zen Centen where I used to practice.
And it's two sided, so when you get to the bottom, flip it over.
So we'll chant that and then I will have discussion of whatever Hogetsu says we're doing next.
It's up to you.
Song of Zazen all beings by nature are Buddha as ice by water is water apart from water, there is no ice apart from beings, no Buddha. How sad that people ignore the near and search for truth afar.
Like someone in the midst of water crying out in thirst. Like a child of wealthy home, wandering among the poor, lost on dark paths of ignorance. We wander through the six worlds from dark path to dark path. We wander municipally freely from birth and death. For this, the Zazen of the Mahayana deserves the highest praise. Offerings, precepts, paramitas, Namibutsu, atonement, practice and many other virtues all rise within Zazen.
Those who try zazen even once wipe away immeasurable crimes where all the dark paths thin, the pure land itself is near.
Those who hear this truth even once and listen with a grateful heart, treasuring it, revering it, gaining lessons without end much more. If you turn yourself about and confirm your own self nature, that self nature is no nature. You Are far beyond mere argument. The oneness of cause and effect is clear, not two, not three. The path is put right with form that is no for going and coming ever astray with thought that is no thought. Singing and dancing are the voice of the law.
Boundless and free is the sky of Samadhi Bright the full moon of wisdom.
Truly, is anything missing Now? Nirvana is here before your eyes. This very place is the Lotus Land. And this very body, the body of Buddha.
Thank you very much. If anybody has any comments or questions or tell me a little more about why you wanted us to read this and what it means. This is a really wonderful chant to me. I really like the first. I like it all, but I like the first paragraph.
All beings are Buddha. You know, sometimes we sit, we think we're going to become something else. But you're already Buddha. You're already there. You just have to sit still and recognize it.
That's just.
And then the next question about how near we search and how close it is.
We always think the next thing is going to clue us in.
We always think that somewhere out there is the answer that I'm going to find. And it's going to make my life easier, happier, funnier, sadder. Whatever we think we're lacking and it's right here in front of our noses, we just have to inhabit our bodies.
There's another version that goes. Instead of saying it deserves our highest praise, it says it's beyond exaltation, beyond all our praises. Like, you can't say enough good things about Zazen.
And then there's a part on the back about the oneness of cause and effect is clear, not two and not three. The path is put right. Our form now being no form and going and returning. We never leave home. It's a different translation than what you see here. And our thought now being no thought, are dancing in songs of the voice of the Dharma. I just really like that when you're sitting Zazen, you realize that everything you're doing is an expression of the universe. And it's just such a happy thing to think. Even when you're sad or miserable, you're expressing the Dharma.
It's just so no matter what emotion you feel, you're depressed, your life is all upside down, you're crabby, you're still expressing the Dharma.
And then whatever you do is right in front of you. It's just like, uncomplicates. It's just like, okay, you're here and you're crabby, and I'm just Going to be crabby so move out of my way because I'm not in a good mood. So na na, na.
It's just such a wonderful way to be because it makes everything sort of enjoyable.
You can sort of get into the parts of the emotions you'd rather not have, like, oh, look at this.
I'm going to be bored now.
So I don't know. I think this chant just expresses everything I think about zazen, and it's kind of entertaining. And it's called this term, zazen, wazen. I looked up what wazen mean. It's song in Japanese, as opposed to being written in, like, Sanskrit or Chinese. And they used to write these little songs about the Dharma and the Buddha for people who were less educated to learn about. They would sing a little song if they couldn't read the books about put it in the Dharma. So I like that, too. I like it that it's a song that you can sing like a little nursery rhyme you learned when you were a kid. It's kind of fun anyway. It's all about fun.
And Ellen will help us with online.
[00:18:14] Speaker B: Should I stop recording?
You should have record discussion.
[00:18:18] Speaker A: Yeah. Record discussion, I think. Yeah. Did anyone have any comments or questions for this yourself? Sandra?
I don't know
[00:18:29] Speaker C: if anyone here is familiar with Art Garfunkel's song the Waters of March.
I wish we could play it right now. But there's a phrase in it that has been really running through my head a lot lately, which is, it's the end of all strain. It's the joy in your heart.
And yesterday, while I was practicing with that, I mean, I can clearly feel the difference between effort and strain.
So I can exert a great deal of effort without strain.
But I also noticed there was a point in the day when I didn't necessarily feel joyful. And I wasn't really unhappy either.
And if I look closely at it, it was kind of boredom or I'm tired.
[00:19:21] Speaker A: And
[00:19:23] Speaker C: the strain that I was starting to feel was that I thought I should do something else. Like, I thought maybe I should be working or have more energy, but to just say, no, it's the end of strain. I'm just going to sit here with, I'm a little bored and a little tired.
And then it was all okay.
[00:19:47] Speaker A: Yeah.
Thank you. It's very nicely put.
Dennis has to see living life. Hi, Dennis.
[00:19:55] Speaker B: Good morning. Thank you very much for your talk.
It struck me particularly as I've grown older, it's just a reminder of connecting with my body as I Get older, I rather forget about my body and it's, you know, and I think zazen can seem all about mind because that's where all the energy of constantly coming back.
But when you're, we're talking about the body, it's just a great reminder for me, you know, of connecting the two. I just want to thank you.
[00:20:32] Speaker A: Yeah, that's so true. When I was younger, I could actually sit in a lotus position.
And then for a while I went to a bench. Then my knees got too hard to do and for a while I sat in a chair because my back was bad. But I think it's important to always check in and to see where you are. Sometimes you're good sitting on the floor with your knees in a cross legged position. Other times you want a bench, Other times you want to sit in a chair.
I think sometimes we think, okay, the correct way is to sit in a lotus position.
And anything after that is kind of wimpy or I'm giving into some little.
That's not true. You know, you just gotta do what your body wants to do and it's perfectly fine. And you just gotta, you know, you could. I could pretend I could do a lotus position and okay, good luck with that. But my body is like, whatever, girl. You know, your body's gonna do what your body's gonna do. So you should listen to what it wants to do because it's actually running the show here.
Yeah. And it's important to just check in with yourself and to say, oh, is the way I'm sitting the same way what I want to do or do I want to like, try another position for a while and experiment and switch things up a little. It's just a really nice thing to do.
So thank you, Dennis, for that comment.
Sunline has his hand up. Chris.
Chris Cat. I think it's Chris Cat. Good morning, Jerry.
[00:21:56] Speaker D: Thank you.
So I was listening and we were
[00:22:00] Speaker A: talking about, you know, extending your time
[00:22:03] Speaker D: slowly, that we're sitting zazen until we find the time that's comfortable.
[00:22:09] Speaker A: But it seems that sometimes the only time that's comfortable is no time.
And so I was wondering, what do
[00:22:21] Speaker D: you do when you get to that?
[00:22:24] Speaker A: You know, it helps sometimes it helps me if I have a regular place to sit in my house in a regular spot with a cushion already there. If I have to get a cushion out and find a spot, it's all over. That's not happening.
And sometimes if it's hard to sit, usually it's hard to sit when I should be sitting. Usually when my life is upside down or I'm overly active or my mind is racing and I'm in a, okay, frantic mood, when I, you know, when I could use a little stillness, that's when I don't sit.
Which is kind of bizarre. But sometimes if you can't sit, there's other practices you can do. You can do some bowing on the mat, you can do some keen hing walking around your space.
And it's also helpful, I think, to pick at the same time.
Like, I used to sit the first thing every morning. I'd brush my teeth and sit.
And somehow some days it was like, okay, I'd still be asleep and I'd wake up in the zaza. And sitting was done for the day. But if I kept that time period, it made it easier to do.
And the last thing is, if you don't sit for a while, don't get the whip out and start whipping yourself because, oh, my God, I didn't sit. I didn't sit. I didn't sit. I didn't sit.
That's not helpful.
And also, you're going to notice it.
If I don't sit for a while, I get less patient, I get a little. I worry more, and I think, what's going on here?
What are you doing? And then I realize, oh, you haven't sat today. You should sit down, reconnect.
So there are little tips and tricks you can do, but the main thing is it's kind of like dieting. You know, when you go off your diet, it doesn't help to say, oh, my God, I went off my diet. What you want to do is just start back again.
Just say, okay, I'm here now. I'm going to do it now. Yeah. The whip philosophy is never. It just doesn't work. It's not helpful. Yeah. So put away the whips.
[00:24:28] Speaker E: Kelly, Jerry, thank you for your talk this morning.
I appreciate the way that you instructed us, and I think somebody else echoed this this morning. But the reminder to come back to our bodies and bringing that together with this chant, which I'm also really enjoying, and this reminder that there's so much in the world around us, and yet we don't have to look outside of ourselves. We can come back to the body. And I also really appreciated the way that your talk is also an invitation to embrace everything. And that brings me back to one of the talks that Hilka gave a few weeks or maybe months ago. I think it was Stephen Batchelor, embrace Everything.
And I appreciate that reminder because I think Sometimes if things do get a little bit off center, then sometimes I think it's pretty human to get sort of like, oh, no, it should be different. But it's like, no, this is everything. You embrace everything.
And then that brings me to one of the last lines in the chant from today. Boundless and free is the sky of Samadhi, bright the full moon of wisdom. Truly, is anything missing now? And I just kept finding as we were glancing over that page, that line, truly, is anything missing now? Like, embrace everything.
[00:25:39] Speaker A: So thank you. Thank you.
Yeah. When I think of embrace any everything, too, I think about you just want to be who you are, whatever that is, you know, and we always. I think sometimes when we grasp for something or push something away, we're trying to be somebody different.
And, okay, we could be somebody different. You know, I don't know how that would work, but kind of reminds me, sometimes I feel like I want to take a vacation and leave myself behind. Well, you know, that's not possible.
So. Yeah.
Yeah. And if we can just live in our bodies, it reminds us that, yeah, we're just who we are. And it's perfectly wonderful. Yeah.
[00:26:19] Speaker F: Thank you for your talk, Jerry.
[00:26:20] Speaker A: Good morning, Paul.
[00:26:21] Speaker F: Good morning. And I've heard a few Dharma talks that are Zazen instructions. And at the beginning, invariably, I'll think, yeah, yeah, I got it. And then end up always learning something in the tune up. And I sometimes use, you know, the analogy with friends of, like, Zazen's kind of like a single pose, yoga class kind of thing. And there's, like, so many little tunings to do that there's always more to learn. But one that I've always kind of never really had an answer to is the. The thumbs with the Mudra and wondering did, like, instruction of a pa a piece of paper should fit between them.
And I'm curious if you have, you know, the.
The ultimate truth about this? Is it supposed to be that I've. I've interpreted as, like, they're touching so lightly that you could, you know, just barely hold a piece of paper, but you might drop it, but you hold it so lightly, or that there's a tiny, tiny gap that a piece of paper could just slip through without touching either thumb?
Like, trying to hold that gap is sometimes enough probably for, like, a whole sazen session.
Focus. But anywho, I was wondering. Yeah. Do you know? Or is there an. Is there an interpretation maybe.
[00:27:42] Speaker A: I have no idea. But the whole idea, to me of it. Repositions.
If you think about putting your thumbs, like this. It kind of repositions where your elbows go. And so instead of your palms caving in, it keeps your elbows out a little bit. And if you keep your elbows out, you have more circulation of air around your body.
So touching your thumbs like that, I don't know if you kept them too far apart, you have to do what's sustainable for a period of time. Uncomfortable. Because if you kept them too far apart, they're going to collapse. Right. You know, they need the support. Each thumb needs to support the other thumb somehow.
[00:28:22] Speaker F: Right.
[00:28:23] Speaker A: But you want to do it lightly.
[00:28:24] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:28:25] Speaker F: I've heard that you can inspect the quality of someone's zazen by their thumb
[00:28:29] Speaker A: angle, but
[00:28:32] Speaker F: not that we should be doing that, but you can inspect the
[00:28:35] Speaker A: quality of your own zazen.
[00:28:37] Speaker F: Exactly, exactly. If you're. Yeah. Depends on how competitive you are, I guess. Yeah.
[00:28:42] Speaker A: You can also inspect the quality of your own zazen by the angle of your head.
[00:28:47] Speaker F: Yeah, yeah. No, and I hadn't thought about how even the thumbs can kind of connect to how the rest of our arms are being held.
[00:28:54] Speaker A: So.
Yeah, it helps you. It helps you have circulation of air around your back. Otherwise you're like this.
Gotcha.
[00:29:02] Speaker F: Thank you.
[00:29:03] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:29:04] Speaker G: Thanks, Jerry, for coming back to basics. I think it's so important because I'm always like, what the hell am I doing in this single post yoga thing that I'm doing?
I also want to just appreciate the fun you bring to the way you talk about zazen. Even when it comes to, like, the crap that comes up on the cushion, I really do sort of resonate with the effort versus strain. Sort of like experience.
As you were giving the instructions or as you were talking about zazen at the end, I was reminded there's a.
Who's a Theravada monk who's written a ton of stuff, has this really fun way of describing for him what his practice kind of looks like. And it's specifically working with, like, the hindrances. But I think it really applies to everything, including how we sit, which is. He describes it like a chess game of. Not so much like the strategizing and the planning, but the, like, how did I get here?
What is this configuration on this chessboard that I've ended up in?
What the hell is this?
And just like, actually really noticing. How did I get here? What is happening right now? How do I respond to this? But, like, all the time.
And I found that that's actually really, you know, I don't know. I really relate to games, like, all kinds of games. Video games, board games, and it's. Those are opportunities to play. And I don't think we put enough emphasis on zazin as an opportunity to actually, like, play.
Even though some rough stuff can come up. Because, like, you play a game you play despite the fact that you will struggle in there, there's a point to it outside of winning the game. So I just really appreciate that. You can talk about, you know, the mind going insane and all this, all the crap that will come up on the cushion. You're still bringing this sort of, like, quality of playfulness and fun to it. So thank you.
[00:30:53] Speaker A: Thank you. I am a chess player and a lot of people don't like to play with me because I'll think, oh, wait, I want to make a different move.
Or I'll say, oh, wait, why don't you make a different move? And they're like, okay, we're not playing.
Just play and stop talking.
Yeah. And see what happens.
David has his head up. Hi, David. David, right.
[00:31:16] Speaker D: Let me unmute myself here so I could play the game.
It's interesting. You talk about it being in the body.
My body is bent in a lot of ways. I'm very round shouldered and I have some broken vertebrae and to all of a sudden sit upright and be aware, and especially my head, that it's not angled down like I'm looking at my. My phone, my cell phone, but looking straight up. And what you say about body and mind is if I'm really paying attention to my body, that is the key here.
And it's when I really pay attention and I lift up my head and I pull my back up and I let the string go off the top of my head.
That's when I'm sitting. The other stuff is something else. I'm not sure what it is, but I like Howard said. I also want to comment that you bring a. You know, we have a tendency to think that zazen is. This is serious. We have to really do this.
And you bring such a lightness to it that it's just wonderful to listen to you talk about it. So thank you very much for your talk today.
[00:32:33] Speaker A: Thank you. David. You know, Hakawin himself had that. He started out, he had this fear of going to hell. And I think he was trying to zazen himself away from hell. And he was really stern and he practiced really hard and he made himself sick. Like he couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep.
Some people thought maybe he had some meningitis or he had some lung issues and he went to various Zen teachers to get advice, and none of them were very helpful. So finally he went out of the tradition altogether and found this old monk up in some up, way up in the mountains, that it took him a long time to get there, who taught him some relaxation practices, who taught him how to just sit softer and more. And one of them was, you take a pat of butter and you let it melt on top of your head. And you just feel the butter melting down through your whole body and warming your whole body, your back and your butt and your leg all the way down to your feet.
And so I think that's important. Sometimes we read the instructions and we think, okay, we gotta be just perfect in that posture.
But you wanna know where your edges are. You wanna know where your own body is. It's about where you are.
So you have to sort of relax into it. And it takes sometimes a while to find the right posture, the right position.
And I think that's why we should also always think about, maybe I should try a different way.
You know, we start out thinking, okay, I'm gonna sit like this.
But, you know, maybe you do that for a year or two, a few months, and you say, well, let me try a bench or let me try a chair. You just always wanna constantly be aware, does this still feel.
And it was interesting too, is one of the things I like about Hawkin. He was old, when he figured out that he was working too hard. He was like 70 something before he went up to find this. And I thought, well, good on you, guy. You know, sometimes we get set in our ways, especially as we get older. We think we know what to do. And we got the answer here. No.
You know, you always just want to think, okay, what works now? How does it feel now? Where's my feet now? Yeah, so.
